Generic Infomercial

by Frank Riccobono

If you've seen one, you've seem 'em all.

ANNOUNCER: Do you live in black and white? Are you inexplicably incapable of performing the simplest of tasks? Do these tasks make you angry and cause you to forget to put on makeup and have bad hair days? Well, then this generic product is for you. This generic product will clutter up your house and make those simple tasks much more complicated. One use and you'll be living in color and smiling for the rest of your days. And don't worry about your appearance. With all the time we claim you will save by using this product, you will suddenly look more attractive than ever. This generic product can be yours for the low price of something ninety-five. And if you call now, we'll throw in two additional generic products and assorted accessories at no additional cost. That.s right! You can have all this, an arbitrarily-large-number-because-we-markup-all-our-prices-more than-you-can-imagine value, for the low, low price of something ninety-five. All purchases are non-refundable as this product is made in some third world country with nearly 100% profit. Side effects associated with the use of this generic product may include gullibility, impulse buying, and wasting too much time watching TV.

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