by Frank Riccobono
Inspired by true events and Arthurian legend - that is to say one year I had a bad habit of accidentally locking myself out of my dorm room. Also my dorm at the time, Castle Point Appartments (CPA), had its entrance on the third floor with a bridge connecting it to the street.
Campus Police Gui
Og the Troll
Blagroc the Dragon
A small tree branch around two inches in diameter and no longer than two feet long.
A rock that the stick can be propped up with.
A sharpie marker
An old-ish book labeled “ResLife Handbook
A club or something else to suggest a troll
ARTY: Okay, am I forgetting anything? I’ve got pens, pencils, notebooks, paper, textbooks, backpack, glasses, jacket, cell phone, wallet…I think that’s everything. (Walks out the door, walks a few steps then turns back suddenly.) KEYS! (He runs back to the door, but he’s too late. He sighs.) Locked out again. Whatever, I’ll deal with that later. I have to get to class. (Keeps walking away from the door)
(Outside, LARRY runs into ARTY)
LARRY: Hey Arty, listen, I know you have class, but can you do me a huge favor and let me into the room real quick? I forgot my keys this morning.
ARTY: I don’t have my keys either. I was hoping you’d be able to let me in later. I can’t worry about this right now though. I really have to get to class. (ARTY gets a text message and reads it.) Oh, well it seems my class was cancelled. I guess we can worry about this now. What should we do?
LARRY: Don’t worry. We can just call campus police to let us in. (LARRY takes out his phone and dials campus police.)
CPG: Hello Campus Police, how can I help you?
LARRY: Hi, my roommate and I locked ourselves out of our room. Do you think you could send someone to let us back in?
CPG: Of course, but first you must answer these questions four.
LARRY: (confused) Okay…
CPG: What is your name?
LARRY: Larry Rizzo.
CPG: What are the last four digits of your student ID?
CPG: What is your room number.
LARRY: CPA 305.
CPG: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
CPG: Answer the question.
LARRY: Well, if a woodchuck could chuck would, it would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
CPG: I’m sorry. That is incorrect. The correct answer is 4 cords. You are hereby and henceforth banished from CPA. Have a good day. (CPG hangs up)
LARRY: Okay, so now what?
ARTY: Well the RAs go on duty soon. They have master keys. I guess we can wait ‘til they let us in.
LARRY: I say we wait inside. It’s kind of cold out here.
(LARRY and ARTY walk forward)
TROLL: Halt! Who dares cross my bridge?
ARTY: Is that a troll?
TROLL: I am Og, the troll that guards the bridge to CPA from unwanted visitors. And you are not permitted entrance.
LARRY: How come I’ve never noticed you before?
TROLL: Well, people kept using the Stute racks to prop the door open, so Res Life decided they needed a better way to keep the halls of Castle Point safe.
ARTY: Hey, look over there. There’s some fat kids over there walking this way. Maybe you could just let us go, and then you can eat them.
TROLL: Forget it. The last time I listened to advice like that, a billy-goat head-butted me in the balls. Besides, I’m not going to eat you. I’m just going to cast you into the ravine.
(The TROLL throws ARTY and LARRY down off the bridge. They land safely in the trench under CPA. There they see a stick )
ARTY: Hey what do you make of this? (He picks up the stick)
LARRY: Look someone wrote something on that rock: (reading) “Whosoever pulleth this stick from this rock shall be king of all CPA. Ur mom’s king of all CPA. That’s what she said. Delta Tau Delta rules.”
ARTY: Larry, do you realize what this means? (At this point LARRY has taken a sharpie out of his pocket and seems to be writing something on the rock.) What are you doing?
LARRY: I was just going to draw a penis on it. (ARTY just stares) So what does it mean?
ARTY: Larry, this means that I am destined to rule over CPA. We have to get back into the building.
LARRY: But how?
(TONY BLAZINI appears dressed like a wizard and holding the Res Life Handbook)
LARRY and ARTY: Tony?
TONY: Yes, it is I Tony Blazini, the wizard of Residence Life. Congratulations, young Arthur. I placed that stick there in the hope that you would find it and accept your destiny. And to you, young Larry, for being Arty’s stalwart companion through his many trials, I give you this (TONY hands LARRY the Res Life Handbook.) It will aid both of you in your quest. Now, hurry there is no time to spare. The back door by the Tennis Courts has been left open for you. Enter CPA and reclaim your room and your throne.
LARRY: Wait, don’t you have master keys? Can’t you just let us in yourself?
TONY: You must do this on your own. Farewell and Godspeed. (TONY disappears)
ARTY: Well then…I guess we should go inside.
(ARTY and LARRY walk for awhile, open the back door and are met by a DRAGON)
ARTY: Um…hi there.
DRAGON: I am Blagroc the dragon prince of CPA. Prepare to die intruders.
(LARRY starts flipping through the handbook. ARTY tries to stall)
ARTY: Oh…um how nice…have you lived here long?
DRAGON: Actually I’m pretty new here. They brought me in…
ARTY: Let me guess…because people kept propping the door open.
DRAGON: Exactly. Now, I will destroy you with my fiery breath!
ARTY: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
DRAGON: Oh, and why not?
ARTY: It’ll set off the fire alarms.
DRAGON: Oooh, good point. Very well then. I guess I’ll just have to eat you.
ARTY: But I have this (holds up stick).
DRAGON: Excellent, it’ll make a good toothpick.
LARRY: Wait. I found it. I call upon section 18 of the Res Life contract, Health and Safety! Pets, excluding fish in an aquarium, are not permitted!
DRAGON: NOOO! Bureaucracy, my only weakness! (The DRAGON Is vanquished)
(ARTY and LARRY walk up the stairs to their room.)
LARRY: We still have no way to get into the room.
ARTY: Hey, I unlocked the door when I was doing laundry last night. Did you ever lock it again?
ARTY: Awesome! (ARTY and LARRY open the door to their room which was never locked in the first place and walk off stage.)