Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Zombies of 1812

by Frank Riccobono

Inspired by my favorite broadway musical of 2016-2017 and a Facebook post from my playwright friend, Duncan Pflaster.

Original music and lyrics by Dave Malloy
Based on War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Prologue.

PIERRE
There’s a plague goin’ on out there somewhere and Andrey wants our brains.
There’s a plague goin’ on out there somewhere and Andrey wants our brains.

ALL
There’s a plague goin’ on out there somewhere and Andrey wants our brains.
There’s a plague goin’ on out there somewhere and Andrey wants our brains.

раз, два, три

This is all in your nightmare. You are on the front line.
Gonna have to train yourself a little bit if you wanna live through the night.
Cuz it’s a post-apocalyptic war zone.
Everyone’s got nine different guns.
So practice hitting those targets.
You’ll appreciate it quite a lot.
Da da da. Da da da. Da da da.

Natasha!

NATASHA
Natasha is young. She thought she could save Andrey’s heart.

ALL
She thought she could save Andrey’s heart.
Natasha is young, and Andrey wants our brains.

SONYA
Sonya is good. Natasha’s cousin, she saved her life.

ALL
Natasha’s cousin, she saved her life.
Sonya is good, Natasha is young, and Andrey wants our brains.

MARYA D.
Marya is valiant. Commander in Moscow.
She keeps these rag-tag troops in line.

ALL
She keeps these rag-tag troops in line.
Marya is valiant, Sonya is good, Natasha is young, and Andrey wants our brains.

And this is all in your nightmare. You are on the front line.
Gonna have to train yourself a little bit if you wanna live through the night.
Cuz it’s a post-apocalyptic war zone.
Everyone’s got nine different guns.
So practice hitting those targets.
You’ll appreciate it quite a lot.
Da da da. Da da da. Da da da.

Anatole!

ANATOLE
Anatole was hot.
But now he’s scarred like Frankenstein.

ALL
But now he’s scarred like Frankenstein.
Anatole was hot, Marya is valiant, Sonya is good, Natasha is young, and Andrey wants our brains.

HÉLÈNE
Hélène is a wight.
She drains your life with just one touch.

ALL
She drains your life with just one touch.
Hélène is a wight, Anatole was hot, Marya is valiant, Sonya is good, Natasha is young, and Andrey wants our brains.

DOLOKHOV
Dolokhov is fierce. And NOW he’s important.
He thins the hordes with every shot.

ALL
He thins the hordes with every shot.
Dolokhov is fierce, Hélène is a wight, Anatole was hot, Marya is valiant, Sonya is good, Natasha is young, and Andrey wants our brains.

Bandoleers and Gatling guns, the ghouls can’t touch us here!

Minor characters!

BOLKONKSY
Old Prince Bolkonksy was hungry.

MARY
And Mary had brains.

BOTH
Andrey’s family: totally un-dead.

BALAGA
And Balaga’s just for fun.

ALL
Balaga’s just for fun.

Balaga is fun, Bolkonsky’s hungry, Mary had brains, Dolokhov is fierce, Hélène is a wight, Anatole was hot, Marya is valiant, Sonya is good, Natasha is young, and Andrey wants our brains.

And what about Pierre?
Dear outnumbered and cornered Pierre?
What about Pierre?
Stout, unable-to-run-fast Pierre?
What about Pierre?
What about Pierre?
What about Pierre?

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This work by Frank Riccobono is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.