Sleep for the Sleepless

by Frank Riccobono

An advertisement for a charity with the best interests of college students in mind. Imagine Sarah McLachlan's music playing in the background while you read this.



(NAME):  Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, my name is (NAME).  I’m here tonight to tell you about a serious problem facing some of the most vulnerable members of our society.  Thousands of college students suffer from sleep deprivation every day.  Our children have forgotten the feel of a comfortable bed.  Take Sarah, for example, this is midterms week at her school and in addition to her five exams, she’s also had one major project and two term papers due.  As a result, she hasn’t slept in 6 days.  Why don’t you tell the audience how you feel, Sarah?

SARAH: (SARAH stares blankly and almost passes out) No! Can’t sleep now.  Two more tests.  Need more coffee.  Oh look, a zebra.  (SARAH trails off following the imaginary zebra)

(NAME): And Sarah is just one example of the victims of this awful plight.  Ladies and gentlemen, the pressure facing these students is unbelievable.  And now, you can help.   Statistics show that nearly 64 million Americans suffer from insomnia, carelessly wasting such a precious resource as sleep while our children go sleepless.  Just call 1-800-GOSLEEP, that’s 1-800-G-O-S-L-E-E-P, and donate your unused sleep today.

BILLY:  I had it real tough.  I had to balance class work, extra-curriculars, hanging out with friends, frat parties, and sleep, and I just couldn’t manage.  One of them had to go, so of course I stopped sleeping.  It got so bad that I could barely function.  Then someone called 1-800-GOSLEEP and donated 8 hours a night, and I’ve never felt better.

(NAME):  Please call now, and we’ll send you  a photograph of your student.  All it takes is a few hours of sleep to make a difference in these students’ lives.

ROY:  I remember what it’s like to be a sleepless college student.  I almost never slept in college.  It was enough to drive a person crazy.  So when I first heard about 1-800-GOSLEEP, I called right away.  I figured, the horrors of the murders I’ve committed keep me lying awake at night anyway.  Now I can really make a difference in these students’ lives.

BOBBY: I wanna be just like you when I grow up.

(NAME): Ladies and gentlemen, what are you waiting for?   Call now and sponsor an all-nighter or a frat kegger today.  Our children are the future, and you can bet they’ll appreciate.  Again the number is call 1-800-GOSLEEP, that’s 1-800-G-O-S-L-E-E-P.  Call now so these kids can have pleasant dreams.

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